Things they don’t sell in baby stores but should

It seems there’s no end to the gadgets and gizmos we apparently need for our little ones. Baby stores are not for the faint-hearted. They’re filled to the brim with everything you can imagine to transport, carry, entertain, feed, teach, stimulate, soothe, bounce, move, wrap, dress and care for bubbas. But you know what? They haven’t got it all.

I’ve come up with a few things I’d be glad to purchase next time I’m in one of those crazy pram and parent-filled places. So, baby stores near me… read on. And when you make millions on my great ideas, I’d like my cut to be forwarded direct via cheque.

So, here are the things they don’t sell in baby stores but should:

Remote controls and mobile phones. And none of this toy remote/phone business! Kids know the difference. I’m talking real life technology that is somehow magically locked so my child can’t change the channel, buy stocks or send selfies.

Metal detectors. Doubly useful – 1. being able to scan the room for dangerous items my kid is sure to find e.g. scissors, keys, cutlery, bobby pins. 2. finding lost items that the little human has hidden in crazy places e.g. remotes, keys, phone.

Coffee. Must I explain?

Mummy uniforms. We all know that a killer pair of tights and a forgiving top are the essential wardrobe of any new mumma. Anything black is a bonus and removable burp cloths (or chuck rags as I so lovingly call them) would be nice. Slip on shoes are a must. Could you please sell these as coordinated sets? I would also appreciate the chance to try these on in peace (as per idea below).

Creche. This seems a no-brainer. Can you watch my little angel while I browse/try on/purchase my items? It’d be lovely not to contend with tantrums and grabby little hands while I shop.

5 minute makeovers. Could you please pop some eye masks on my dark circles while you brush my hair and moisturise my hands? Would a spot of ironing be possible? I’m talking basic makeovers here. The kind that say “I got dressed today and had more than 2 hours of sleep”.

Hugs. You may laugh but this one is serious. I need a hug. I need all the hugs I can get. This idea alone could make you filthy rich because parents everywhere are needing a good old fashion cuddle. If you could also provide tissues, that would be lovely.

What would you add to the list?

 

 

Crow’s feet

At 31 I am one of those people who never seem to age. I look surprisingly similar and almost certainly as awkward as I did when I was 12. I’ve always taken this for granted.

This year I became a mum and last week I took a photo of myself, aforementioned bebe and the Mr all happily smooshed together with big smiles all round. The photo is super cute – it’s a given now we have a little one – but something seemed a little strange when I first saw the family snap. I’ve changed.

It sounds tres dramatic but, for the first time, I really felt like I looked different… specifically, I looked older. On each side of my face are brand new spindly crow’s feet. They sprout proudly outwards towards my temples with not so much as a “may we sit here please?”. If they were the new kids in school, I’m sure I would have shown healthy hesitation if they came my way looking for a spot to eat their lunch.

I mean, since when did my face look so worn? So tired and wrinkly and mum-ish? Apparently since NOW. I’m not sure how they got there exactly. Well, I could take a guess… night feeds, car crying episodes, peer pressure and information-overload-induced panic…

But seriously. I really have changed. Those toothpickish toes are scratching away at my youth. I don’t know how I feel about that. I keep smiling in the mirror so I can see them again. I hope they don’t get the wrong idea. I feel sad, not happy. Should I feel happy? Happy that I have great reasons for the crows to land on my head? Well, I’m sick of hearing “should” at the moment so I’m going with “I can feel sad about this.”

Now, where is that moisturiser?